Chapter 11 Alternative POV - Trace
I stood outside of Marin’s door at 11:15 p.m. with my heavy backpack on my back. The door swung open and Marin stood there looking so beautiful that I had no idea how I didn’t grab her, throw her over my shoulder, and carry her upstairs liked I’d been envisioning doing since I knew I’d be spending the night again. Because make no mistake about it, I was staying.
“Hi,” she said, her voice shy and vulnerable.
I stepped forward so she had to step back and closed the door behind me. I couldn’t take not touching her so I wrapped my arms around her, staring down into her beautiful blue eyes. I could see she was just as desperate as me, but there was no way I was rushing tonight. I ha d big plan for us. “I like when you look at me,” I said.
“Oh, yeah?”
I nodded. “It makes me feel like you see me.”
“Of course I see you.”
I lifted to my hands to her cheeks, my fingertips lightly brushing her pretty blond hair away from her face so I could see her the way she could see me. “All those years when I went out of my way to pass by here just to see you, you barely even looked at me.”
“You were a kid,” she said like I knew she would.
I smiled because she was right. We were in different places in our lives back then. But I was older now. And this--us—was okay.. “Yeah. But don’t you get it? I’ve always seen you, Marin. All those years. And it’s just crazy to finally have you looking back and seeing me.”
She lifted her hands to my face; her fingertips shook slightly as they drifted over the stubble around my jawline leaving a delicious numbness in their wake. “I like seeing you.” She was getting bolder with me. I loved that I brought it out of her. Her fingers tunneled into the back of my hair, drawing my mouth to hers. Game on, Marin. Though I came willingly, she controlled the kiss. There was something so sexy about letting her take the lead when I could’ve ended it all right there and dropped her to the floor to have my way with her.
Though I liked handing over control for a time, I knew I could only take so much. My tongue slid inside her mouth, and instantly the control was mine. And I made good use of it, pulling her closer and devouring her mouth the way I’d envisioned all day long. It was sweet but needy. Aggressive but passionate. If I wasn’t careful, this would be over way too soon. I pulled out of the kiss first, stepping back and taking off my backpack.
With flushed cheeks, she lifted brow. “Planning on staying?”
I couldn’t help the smirk that climbed into my cheek. Damn straight I did. “I don’t need clothes for that. Do me a favor. Meet me upstairs.”
Her brows dipped.
“I’ll make it worth your while,” I promised.
The smile that I was met with sent my anticipation into overdrive. “Okay,” she said, moving toward the stairs and began to climb, glancing at me over her shoulder as she did.
“Go ahead,” I urged. “I wanna watch that fine ass.”
She wasted no time, hurrying up the stairs and disappearing into her room.
I knew her ex had neglected all the things necessary to make a marriage last when it came to Marin. The looks. The flirting. The sexy comments. What a fucking shame.
I moved into the kitchen, pulling open drawers and cabinets in search of utensils and bowls. I could almost see her sitting up there not knowing what the hell to do with herself. Having no idea what I had planned. And I couldn’t wait to show her what I had in store.
I climbed the stairs with the bowls and utensils in my hands and my bag hanging from my arm. Upstairs, I was met with a closed bedroom door. Without hesitation, I pushed open her door to find her perched on the edge of her bed with anticipation brimming from her eyes. I purposely took my time, first placing my bag down on the bed before setting down the bowls and utensils on the nightstand.
“What’s all this?” she asked eyeing everything curiously.
I dug into my backpack and pulled out a container of chocolate ice cream followed by a container of vanilla and held them up for her to see. “I wasn’t sure which flavor you liked.”
Her eyes narrowed as if she had no idea what I was doing. “Ice cream?”
I stacked the containers on her nightstand then pulled chocolate sprinkles, hot fudge, and whipped cream out of my bag. “Not just ice cream,” I explained. “Everything you need to make an ice cream sundae. In bed.”
I could see the moment realization set in and her eyes softened. “Thank you,” she practically whispered.
I shrugged because, even though I’d planned it, I didn’t realize how much it would mean to her. Her ex had done a number on her, and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how he’d give her up for anyone else. The guy was a complete loser.
“Chocolate,” she finally said.
I grabbed the chocolate container and sat beside her, dipping the bed with my weight and inadvertently pulling her closer to me. “Good choice.”
As I peeled off the cover, she reached over and grabbed the hot fudge and whipped cream from the nightstand. I couldn’t contain my laughter as she didn’t bother using a bowl; instead, she squeezed a ginormous glob of fudge on top of the ice cream then piled a mountain of whipped cream on top of it. She picked up a spoon and dug into the carton, savoring the taste of it as soon as it touched her tongue.
Fuuuuck. The moan that left her lips and the look of ecstasy on her face gave me visions of what I hoped to see from her again very soon.
“Good?” I asked as she dug back in, getting another big spoonful.
“You tell me.” She stood up and moved in front of me.
I froze with anticipation, remaining still as I awaited her next move. I was all for her taking the lead.
She stepped forward and climbed onto my lap, straddling me with a smirk. The feel of her on my already-hard dick was a welcome surprise as she lifted the spoon to my lips.
She was gonna fucking feed me. I was doomed. Regardless, I opened my mouth and practically sucked the ice cream right off my spoon, wanting her to imagine my mouth on her body.
“Is this one of your fantasies?” she asked, all breathy and flushed.
Instead of responding, I leaned forward and kissed her, my chocolate-coated tongue exploring her mouth, deliciously stroking against her tongue. She had to know this was a fantasy I didn’t even know I needed in my life.
When I pulled out of the kiss, I could barely control myself. I moved the ice cream to the nightstand. “No.” I grabbed the bottle of whipped cream. I was gonna show her what was, though. I lifted the whipped cream spout to her mouth. “But this is,” I assured her.
She opened slightly, and the look of her opened mouth and flushed cheeks was making it nearly impossible to remain cool and confident. Because, in all honesty, it was the exact opposite of how I felt when I was with her. I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted to prove that not all guys were like her ex. I wanted to make her smile and feel good. But I was always one step away from fucking it up. I squirted a small dollop of whipped cream inside her mouth, and before she could close it, my mouth was on hers, my tongue swiping the it out as I sucked away at her tongue. Between my erection straining against my shorts and Marin moaning into my mouth, it was all I could take.
I reclined on the bed, pulling her down on top of me. She giggled adorably as our mouths came apart for a second before we were back at it, our lips moving desperately together. I had never felt so all-in before in my life. This girl—this woman—was all I needed.
Her hand reached for the bottle of whipped cream still clasped in my hand. Then, she pulled away from my lips all breathless and turned on. “My turn,” she said.
Oh, fuck yes. She lifted the spout and I opened my mouth. She was a little tease and made me wait like that for what felt like forever. “Come on,” I laughed.
She moved the spout a couple inches to the right of my mouth and squirted a dollop there. Wasting no time, she licked it off. She moved to the left side and did the same. “I love your dimples,” she admitted as she swallowed the whipped cream.
“Oh yeah?” I said, loving that she did. I figured she would’ve been immune. But apparently not, and I loved it.
She nodded. “I’m a sucker for dimples. Now open.”
I did as told because a bossy Marin was a fucking hot Marin. And, I loved that she was comfortable enough to tell me what to do. Other girls I’d been with let me do whatever the hell I wanted to do. Marin took the lead. And there was nothing sexier in his world.
She finally squirted the whipped cream onto my tongue, leaning down and licking away at the inside of my mouth.
Unable to take the torture, I grabbed hold of her and rolled her onto her back, pulling the bottle from her hand.
“I wasn’t finished yet,” she demanded, and it was so damn cute I almost let her have her way. Almost.
“Neither was I,” I assured her, pointing the bottle at the side of her neck and squirting a path down to her collarbone. She shivered, and I loved knowing I’d caused it. I leaned down and, with the slow drag of my tongue, I licked my way from her collarbone to her ear, ridding her soft skin of the whipped cream. There were so many other places I wanted to drag my tongue to make her squirm and moan my name.
I felt her body tremble beneath me. Didn’t she realize this was just the beginning?
She reached for the bottle, but I shook my head. I was definitely not finished yet. “Uh, uh.” I moved to the other side of her neck and squirted a similar path down the smooth skin to her collarbone. I leaned down and dragged my tongue slowly over her skin, collecting it all before returning to her mouth and kissing her.
The bottle rolled loose from my hand and landed on the carpet. I couldn’t get enough of this woman beneath me. I tunneled my fingers through her hair as I continued kissing her greedy mouth. “I need you naked,” I murmured between kisses.
“I need you naked,” she countered.
I laughed, pulling out of the kiss and meeting her gaze. “Then we’re in agreement.”
Her eyes were locked on mine, and the desire in them mirrored my own.
“And I need to feel you beneath me,” I added.
I watched her swallow hard before I grabbed the back of my shirt and peeled it off. She stared at my chest, and I silently thanked the extra time I’d spent in the gym this summer because if her look was any indication, she liked what she saw.
She lifted her hand and lightly brushed her fingertips over my skin. A shiver rushed through me.
“You like?” I asked because sometimes I just needed to be that guy.
“God, yes,” she breathed.
I laughed at the awe in her voice as she reached for her own top and peeled it off. I don’t know what I was expecting, but Marin braless was not it. Her nipples were perky and pink, and all I wanted to do was suck them into my mouth.
“You like?” she teased.
I leaned forward and sucked her nipple between my lips.
Her back arched off the bed, and I knew she enjoyed what I was doing.
I smiled against her breast. “Don’t worry. I’ve got you.” I reached down and shoved her shorts and panties down her legs. She helped them off the rest of the way as I reached for my own shorts. Within seconds, they were gone and I’d tossed a condom beside her head. “Now, where was I?”
My mouth returned to her breast. She arched off the bed again, but this time she bucked her hips, growing needy for my mouth elsewhere. Not yet, little tease. I continued my torture on her nipples, not realizing until that moment how much I enjoyed foreplay. Or, at least, I enjoyed foreplay with Marin. She deserved someone who put her needs first for a change. And, I loved being the one to give that to her.
Catching me by surprise, she reached down and her fingers slipped around my dick. I stilled, my eyes pinching shut as her hand moved in a slow rhythm up and down my hard shaft. I gritted my teeth as her soft hand tightened around me and worked me over. I could hear my own breathing becoming ragged as she did. Never in all of my fantasies had I imagined that being with her would feel this amazing. Unfortunately, if I let her continue much longer, this would be over before I was even inside of her.
My hand shot out, grabbing the condom and tearing the wrapper with my teeth. “No way it’s happening like this,” I growled.
She took the hint, releasing me so I could roll on the condom. Then, my mouth was on hers, devouring her as my erection ran along the slick skin of her pussy. “I’m not gonna be able to be gentle,” I said against her lips. “I’ve been thinking about you all fucking—”
Her mouth cut me off, swallowing my words and completely turned on by my need for her.
I braced my elbows on the bed beside her head and rocked my hips. With one hard thrust, I pushed inside of her.
Fuck me. She was tight and drenched. And everything I needed her to be.
Her back arched off the bed, her breasts pushing hard against my chest as I pumped my hips, finding my rhythm. I pulled out of the kiss needing to be able to see her face with me inside of her. Her eyes were locked on mine as I slammed into her.
Her fingertips dug into the skin on my back, moving slowly over my muscles before stopping on my ass. Her fingernails dug in as I moved in and out of her. The slight sting only added to all the other feeling rushing through me. I couldn’t help myself. I switched between wanting to watch her flushed and breathing heavy beneath me to wanting my lips all over her. I leaned down, finding her mouth and kissing her.
She lifted her legs and linked them around my lower back. Je-sus. She wanted me to hit her g-spot. She needed it. And, in this position, I knew I could hit it. I rounded my hips, thrusting in an upward motion that earned me even heavier breaths and subtle moans from the back of her throat. In no time, her legs began to shake. I knew I’d found the spot. “Trace,” she plead breathlessly.
“I’m with you, Marin.” I buried my face in the soft skin of her neck as I thrust, again and again knowing I wasn’t going to last long.
But she beat me to it.
Her breaths were ragged as her body shook, her pussy clenching around me. That’s all I needed to feel before my own orgasm tore through me like a motherfucker. I thrust until every last bit was drawn from me. My body finally stilled as I fought to catch my breath.
Slowly, I relaxed my weight on top of her. “You’re going to kill me, woman.”
She laughed. “That’s called good sex.”
Foolish girl. I smiled as I wrapped her tiny body up in my arms and rolled us on to our sides. With her body clung to mine, I knew I needed to tell her the truth. “I’ve had good sex. This is something else.”
She didn’t respond, and I wondered if my honesty scared her.
But, I wasn’t lying. This was something else entirely.
And I knew in that moment—hell, I think I knew from jump—I was fucked.
“Hi,” she said, her voice shy and vulnerable.
I stepped forward so she had to step back and closed the door behind me. I couldn’t take not touching her so I wrapped my arms around her, staring down into her beautiful blue eyes. I could see she was just as desperate as me, but there was no way I was rushing tonight. I ha d big plan for us. “I like when you look at me,” I said.
“Oh, yeah?”
I nodded. “It makes me feel like you see me.”
“Of course I see you.”
I lifted to my hands to her cheeks, my fingertips lightly brushing her pretty blond hair away from her face so I could see her the way she could see me. “All those years when I went out of my way to pass by here just to see you, you barely even looked at me.”
“You were a kid,” she said like I knew she would.
I smiled because she was right. We were in different places in our lives back then. But I was older now. And this--us—was okay.. “Yeah. But don’t you get it? I’ve always seen you, Marin. All those years. And it’s just crazy to finally have you looking back and seeing me.”
She lifted her hands to my face; her fingertips shook slightly as they drifted over the stubble around my jawline leaving a delicious numbness in their wake. “I like seeing you.” She was getting bolder with me. I loved that I brought it out of her. Her fingers tunneled into the back of my hair, drawing my mouth to hers. Game on, Marin. Though I came willingly, she controlled the kiss. There was something so sexy about letting her take the lead when I could’ve ended it all right there and dropped her to the floor to have my way with her.
Though I liked handing over control for a time, I knew I could only take so much. My tongue slid inside her mouth, and instantly the control was mine. And I made good use of it, pulling her closer and devouring her mouth the way I’d envisioned all day long. It was sweet but needy. Aggressive but passionate. If I wasn’t careful, this would be over way too soon. I pulled out of the kiss first, stepping back and taking off my backpack.
With flushed cheeks, she lifted brow. “Planning on staying?”
I couldn’t help the smirk that climbed into my cheek. Damn straight I did. “I don’t need clothes for that. Do me a favor. Meet me upstairs.”
Her brows dipped.
“I’ll make it worth your while,” I promised.
The smile that I was met with sent my anticipation into overdrive. “Okay,” she said, moving toward the stairs and began to climb, glancing at me over her shoulder as she did.
“Go ahead,” I urged. “I wanna watch that fine ass.”
She wasted no time, hurrying up the stairs and disappearing into her room.
I knew her ex had neglected all the things necessary to make a marriage last when it came to Marin. The looks. The flirting. The sexy comments. What a fucking shame.
I moved into the kitchen, pulling open drawers and cabinets in search of utensils and bowls. I could almost see her sitting up there not knowing what the hell to do with herself. Having no idea what I had planned. And I couldn’t wait to show her what I had in store.
I climbed the stairs with the bowls and utensils in my hands and my bag hanging from my arm. Upstairs, I was met with a closed bedroom door. Without hesitation, I pushed open her door to find her perched on the edge of her bed with anticipation brimming from her eyes. I purposely took my time, first placing my bag down on the bed before setting down the bowls and utensils on the nightstand.
“What’s all this?” she asked eyeing everything curiously.
I dug into my backpack and pulled out a container of chocolate ice cream followed by a container of vanilla and held them up for her to see. “I wasn’t sure which flavor you liked.”
Her eyes narrowed as if she had no idea what I was doing. “Ice cream?”
I stacked the containers on her nightstand then pulled chocolate sprinkles, hot fudge, and whipped cream out of my bag. “Not just ice cream,” I explained. “Everything you need to make an ice cream sundae. In bed.”
I could see the moment realization set in and her eyes softened. “Thank you,” she practically whispered.
I shrugged because, even though I’d planned it, I didn’t realize how much it would mean to her. Her ex had done a number on her, and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how he’d give her up for anyone else. The guy was a complete loser.
“Chocolate,” she finally said.
I grabbed the chocolate container and sat beside her, dipping the bed with my weight and inadvertently pulling her closer to me. “Good choice.”
As I peeled off the cover, she reached over and grabbed the hot fudge and whipped cream from the nightstand. I couldn’t contain my laughter as she didn’t bother using a bowl; instead, she squeezed a ginormous glob of fudge on top of the ice cream then piled a mountain of whipped cream on top of it. She picked up a spoon and dug into the carton, savoring the taste of it as soon as it touched her tongue.
Fuuuuck. The moan that left her lips and the look of ecstasy on her face gave me visions of what I hoped to see from her again very soon.
“Good?” I asked as she dug back in, getting another big spoonful.
“You tell me.” She stood up and moved in front of me.
I froze with anticipation, remaining still as I awaited her next move. I was all for her taking the lead.
She stepped forward and climbed onto my lap, straddling me with a smirk. The feel of her on my already-hard dick was a welcome surprise as she lifted the spoon to my lips.
She was gonna fucking feed me. I was doomed. Regardless, I opened my mouth and practically sucked the ice cream right off my spoon, wanting her to imagine my mouth on her body.
“Is this one of your fantasies?” she asked, all breathy and flushed.
Instead of responding, I leaned forward and kissed her, my chocolate-coated tongue exploring her mouth, deliciously stroking against her tongue. She had to know this was a fantasy I didn’t even know I needed in my life.
When I pulled out of the kiss, I could barely control myself. I moved the ice cream to the nightstand. “No.” I grabbed the bottle of whipped cream. I was gonna show her what was, though. I lifted the whipped cream spout to her mouth. “But this is,” I assured her.
She opened slightly, and the look of her opened mouth and flushed cheeks was making it nearly impossible to remain cool and confident. Because, in all honesty, it was the exact opposite of how I felt when I was with her. I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted to prove that not all guys were like her ex. I wanted to make her smile and feel good. But I was always one step away from fucking it up. I squirted a small dollop of whipped cream inside her mouth, and before she could close it, my mouth was on hers, my tongue swiping the it out as I sucked away at her tongue. Between my erection straining against my shorts and Marin moaning into my mouth, it was all I could take.
I reclined on the bed, pulling her down on top of me. She giggled adorably as our mouths came apart for a second before we were back at it, our lips moving desperately together. I had never felt so all-in before in my life. This girl—this woman—was all I needed.
Her hand reached for the bottle of whipped cream still clasped in my hand. Then, she pulled away from my lips all breathless and turned on. “My turn,” she said.
Oh, fuck yes. She lifted the spout and I opened my mouth. She was a little tease and made me wait like that for what felt like forever. “Come on,” I laughed.
She moved the spout a couple inches to the right of my mouth and squirted a dollop there. Wasting no time, she licked it off. She moved to the left side and did the same. “I love your dimples,” she admitted as she swallowed the whipped cream.
“Oh yeah?” I said, loving that she did. I figured she would’ve been immune. But apparently not, and I loved it.
She nodded. “I’m a sucker for dimples. Now open.”
I did as told because a bossy Marin was a fucking hot Marin. And, I loved that she was comfortable enough to tell me what to do. Other girls I’d been with let me do whatever the hell I wanted to do. Marin took the lead. And there was nothing sexier in his world.
She finally squirted the whipped cream onto my tongue, leaning down and licking away at the inside of my mouth.
Unable to take the torture, I grabbed hold of her and rolled her onto her back, pulling the bottle from her hand.
“I wasn’t finished yet,” she demanded, and it was so damn cute I almost let her have her way. Almost.
“Neither was I,” I assured her, pointing the bottle at the side of her neck and squirting a path down to her collarbone. She shivered, and I loved knowing I’d caused it. I leaned down and, with the slow drag of my tongue, I licked my way from her collarbone to her ear, ridding her soft skin of the whipped cream. There were so many other places I wanted to drag my tongue to make her squirm and moan my name.
I felt her body tremble beneath me. Didn’t she realize this was just the beginning?
She reached for the bottle, but I shook my head. I was definitely not finished yet. “Uh, uh.” I moved to the other side of her neck and squirted a similar path down the smooth skin to her collarbone. I leaned down and dragged my tongue slowly over her skin, collecting it all before returning to her mouth and kissing her.
The bottle rolled loose from my hand and landed on the carpet. I couldn’t get enough of this woman beneath me. I tunneled my fingers through her hair as I continued kissing her greedy mouth. “I need you naked,” I murmured between kisses.
“I need you naked,” she countered.
I laughed, pulling out of the kiss and meeting her gaze. “Then we’re in agreement.”
Her eyes were locked on mine, and the desire in them mirrored my own.
“And I need to feel you beneath me,” I added.
I watched her swallow hard before I grabbed the back of my shirt and peeled it off. She stared at my chest, and I silently thanked the extra time I’d spent in the gym this summer because if her look was any indication, she liked what she saw.
She lifted her hand and lightly brushed her fingertips over my skin. A shiver rushed through me.
“You like?” I asked because sometimes I just needed to be that guy.
“God, yes,” she breathed.
I laughed at the awe in her voice as she reached for her own top and peeled it off. I don’t know what I was expecting, but Marin braless was not it. Her nipples were perky and pink, and all I wanted to do was suck them into my mouth.
“You like?” she teased.
I leaned forward and sucked her nipple between my lips.
Her back arched off the bed, and I knew she enjoyed what I was doing.
I smiled against her breast. “Don’t worry. I’ve got you.” I reached down and shoved her shorts and panties down her legs. She helped them off the rest of the way as I reached for my own shorts. Within seconds, they were gone and I’d tossed a condom beside her head. “Now, where was I?”
My mouth returned to her breast. She arched off the bed again, but this time she bucked her hips, growing needy for my mouth elsewhere. Not yet, little tease. I continued my torture on her nipples, not realizing until that moment how much I enjoyed foreplay. Or, at least, I enjoyed foreplay with Marin. She deserved someone who put her needs first for a change. And, I loved being the one to give that to her.
Catching me by surprise, she reached down and her fingers slipped around my dick. I stilled, my eyes pinching shut as her hand moved in a slow rhythm up and down my hard shaft. I gritted my teeth as her soft hand tightened around me and worked me over. I could hear my own breathing becoming ragged as she did. Never in all of my fantasies had I imagined that being with her would feel this amazing. Unfortunately, if I let her continue much longer, this would be over before I was even inside of her.
My hand shot out, grabbing the condom and tearing the wrapper with my teeth. “No way it’s happening like this,” I growled.
She took the hint, releasing me so I could roll on the condom. Then, my mouth was on hers, devouring her as my erection ran along the slick skin of her pussy. “I’m not gonna be able to be gentle,” I said against her lips. “I’ve been thinking about you all fucking—”
Her mouth cut me off, swallowing my words and completely turned on by my need for her.
I braced my elbows on the bed beside her head and rocked my hips. With one hard thrust, I pushed inside of her.
Fuck me. She was tight and drenched. And everything I needed her to be.
Her back arched off the bed, her breasts pushing hard against my chest as I pumped my hips, finding my rhythm. I pulled out of the kiss needing to be able to see her face with me inside of her. Her eyes were locked on mine as I slammed into her.
Her fingertips dug into the skin on my back, moving slowly over my muscles before stopping on my ass. Her fingernails dug in as I moved in and out of her. The slight sting only added to all the other feeling rushing through me. I couldn’t help myself. I switched between wanting to watch her flushed and breathing heavy beneath me to wanting my lips all over her. I leaned down, finding her mouth and kissing her.
She lifted her legs and linked them around my lower back. Je-sus. She wanted me to hit her g-spot. She needed it. And, in this position, I knew I could hit it. I rounded my hips, thrusting in an upward motion that earned me even heavier breaths and subtle moans from the back of her throat. In no time, her legs began to shake. I knew I’d found the spot. “Trace,” she plead breathlessly.
“I’m with you, Marin.” I buried my face in the soft skin of her neck as I thrust, again and again knowing I wasn’t going to last long.
But she beat me to it.
Her breaths were ragged as her body shook, her pussy clenching around me. That’s all I needed to feel before my own orgasm tore through me like a motherfucker. I thrust until every last bit was drawn from me. My body finally stilled as I fought to catch my breath.
Slowly, I relaxed my weight on top of her. “You’re going to kill me, woman.”
She laughed. “That’s called good sex.”
Foolish girl. I smiled as I wrapped her tiny body up in my arms and rolled us on to our sides. With her body clung to mine, I knew I needed to tell her the truth. “I’ve had good sex. This is something else.”
She didn’t respond, and I wondered if my honesty scared her.
But, I wasn’t lying. This was something else entirely.
And I knew in that moment—hell, I think I knew from jump—I was fucked.